Our family is in some ways lacking in
support, we’ve always just been us, no Grandparents to help as my
parents didn’t want to help and my husband’s parents are both
unfortunately dead. I think that this lack of extra support was a
factor of my depression, all my friends had support from their extended
families and I found this really difficult.
We are a very close family and I’m a perfectionist, having not had the
parental care that I should have had as a child, I desperately wanted
to give it to my own children but it was this almost obsession that
drove me to my limit both physically and mentally. It was quite a
sudden change, I began to stop eating, I hated going out as before I’d
always enjoyed others company, I found that I just couldn’t be bothered
to get up most mornings as it was too much effort to wash and clean.
Having had postnatal depression it should have been easier to recognise
but I think my poor husband couldn’t accept that I’d got depressed
again, I think he thought it his own doing, especially as his first
wife suffered badly from depression. Looking back I know I withdrew
from everyone and everything, I felt inside that people hated me and
saw me for who I was, a horrid and nasty person. I was fighting a huge
battle inside, one that could have easily driven me to commit suicide.
How has your depression affected your children?
The children did suffer, but to be honest my husband did a fantastic
job of holding everything together. I was falling apart mentally and I
didn’t want them to see that. I forced myself to get them out of bed,
make their lunch boxes and got them to school. It took enormous courage
to meet people, I couldn’t go onto the playground after school and I
couldn’t face church, which was the one place I felt that people
wouldn’t understand. I felt that I was too horrible for God to love,
that the person I’d become was not what God wanted.
The children were very clingy, they always wanted me, I had to force
myself to still put them to bed, read them a story and play games with
them. They are such lovely children and they just accepted me for who I
was right at that time.
What things have you done to try and help them to understand and to cope?
I know myself that children do remember horrid things from childhood
and I didn’t want them to look back on their childhood with hurt and
sadness. I think that the willingness of myself and my husband to be
totally committed to our children and wanting the house to be a loving
place in which they could grow in total safety, this helped them both
to carry on with their lives as best as they could.
We continued to pour out our love and do so now, we have discussed many
times that even mums and dads sometimes make mistakes and that it
doesn’t mean we love them any less, but that we’re human.
What have you learnt as a family through what you've been through?
As a family we are very open, we only have ourselves and although that
really hurts me it is so nice to know that my children are receiving
the kind of love and care that I didn’t receive as a child. Forgiveness
has played a huge part of breaking free, I’ve had to offer my
forgiveness and also accept that others have forgiven me. I love my
children and they know they’re loved, I know that we are a very strong
family even if it is just the four of us, that too is something that I
am still accepting, that we have no extended family.
The death of my own mother this year has opened some old wounds for me,
it’s been another learning curve for my little family again, but I know
that God has really held us together before and he will do now. My
children know that they are loved both by their parents and their
creator and that is so wonderful! I thank God that I am blessed with
such lovely children and I thank God that one day I, my children and my
mum will be reunited in heaven and will enjoy the relationship that we
all missed out on here on Earth.
How are things now?
Depression is something that I have
lived with on and off for years, it doesn't follow any pattern, it just
hits me at various times of the year. I think that with any kind of
blackness you have in your life, whether it is deep depression or mild
depression the thing is to remember to tell yourself it won’t always be
like this, that this current feeling WILL lift. I know that the times
when I’ve been really down it has been so hard to see a way out, but
one thing I've done is kept a diary of how I feel during the good and
bad days and then I have something written to show me that I have had
happier and more free days. Just to see that written down can make all
the difference and can even help ease the darkness of that time. It
isn’t easy, I’m not saying it is, but with loving people around who you
can trust to help you and also a will to get through, it can be beaten.
I still have dreadfully dark days, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t,
really bad and dark days when I think that this life is too much, that
is when I tend to go for a walk and just be by myself with my own
thoughts and talk to God and pour out my heart to him.
One final point, if you do find yourself suffering from depression then
please don’t suffer on your own, there are help groups out there, ask a
friend to phone them on your behalf if you can’t manage to do it, also
email is a great invention as you don’t have to speak to anyone. Just
don’t try and punish yourself anymore, get help, it’s out there, all
you need to do is ask.
Can you suggest any resources for anyone else struggling with this issue?
Reading when you have depression is not pleasurable but I did read one book entitled: Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer.
There are websites too for people suffering from depression, MIND is a
registered charity and they offer free and confidential advice for
sufferers and their families. HAVOCA is a website for people who have
been abused in childhood, it offers loads of information and resources
and even a counselling service for adults who are suffering.
Article written by DEL
