Why?

Why do I do this?
What is it for?
This pain turned inward
crimson-rained,
wrapped in warm-red
embrace, flowing
like mute tears ~
a stifled scream released.

and afterwards,
silence...

The storm, stilled, ceases ~
waves no longer rage
their fury against
a deaf sky
and anger, spent,
sinks back into itself.
Sealed in an envelope,
placed on a shelf...

...until next time;
Jesus, save me from myself.

Cath

What is Self-Harm?

Self-harm, or self-injury is a wide-ranging variety or actions and behaviours by which a person causes HARM or INJURY to SELF. Not looking after our own physical needs, by making sure we are getting plenty of sleep and the right kind of nutrition, is a form of self-harm. Similarly, so is ignoring and not meeting our emotional needs. In more extreme cases, it involves self-mutilation, often through cutting, burning, or taking toxic substances. People who self-harm may do things which appear frightening or difficult to understand, such as rubbing dirt into open wounds, or pushing needles under the skin.

Unfortunately there is a lack of understanding regarding self-harm in the medical profession, the general population and particularly in the Church. It is often seen as ‘attention seeking’, or ‘manipulative’ behaviour: Both these attitudes only increase the misery of the sufferer, and can further aggravate their need to hurt themselves. Self-harm is in fact ‘the expression of an inner scream’ , ‘a symbolic way of expressing deep distress’ . Sufferers often describe the experience as releasing trapped emotions, communicating feelings, externalising pain. Many people who self-harm find it difficult to talk about what they do, as they are often met with disgust, misunderstanding, judgement or fear. Those who come into contact with someone who is struggling with self-harm in a pastoral role, need to examine their own attitudes towards this issue, and avoid using labels and making judgements which only add to the distress of the sufferer. It is also helpful to look at your own ways of self-harm, often unconscious or indirect – through smoking, drinking, eating too much or too little, working too hard, or just generally neglecting ourselves.

Why Self-Harm?

All of us, at different times in our lives, may find ways of distracting ourselves from feelings. We live in a busy, distracting world, and it is easy to throw ourselves into activity, constantly spending time with people, spending little time on our own, and often specifically on our own with God. We may end up burnt out, overwhelmed with responsibilities, buried under a burden of anxiety and stress. More seriously, we may find ourselves losing a sense of who we are, our identity in Christ. Very often on top of this, we may feel pressure from the Church, or fellow Christians, to live in victory, often denying our deeper, emotional distress…we may end up feeling cut off not only from our emotions, but from our Christian friends and eventually from God… …the person who turns to self-harm as a way of dealing with feelings, may be experiencing some or all of these things. It may sound strange to you, but for the sufferer feeling a lack of identification and/or support, self-harm can feel like the only friend they have, the only reliable means of wading through the painful emotions.

How Can I Help?

Above all, the self-harming person needs support, listening, caring and positive affirmation. Criticism, blame, heavy-handed use of the word ‘sin’, fear or anger will push the sufferer deeper into the feelings they cannot deal with, and will further damage their sense of self-esteem. If you find yourself in the position of supporting someone who is self-harming, it is important that you feel able and competent enough to deal with this issue. It is better to admit that you are out of your depth and refer on, than it is to stumble blindly forward and possibly inflict more damage. It is also equally important to examine your attitude to self-harm…do you see it as a ‘sin’? Does it bring up feelings of fear or disgust? Do you feel it is merely ‘attention seeking’. These judgements can push a sufferer further into the emotions they are struggling to deal with. If you are seeking to help someone who is self-harming, it is important that you examine your own response to this issue, and are particularly aware of any judgement expressed, either in your thinking or the words you use.

The Importance of Listening

It can be very tempting to initially listen to someone sharing about their self-harm problem, and then immediately ‘jump in’, feeling we have the answer, or a word of scripture, or to stop listening and launch into prayer. Very often, self-harm is a response to not being listened to, either in the present or the past. One of the most effective ways of helping someone willing to deal with their self-harm is to simply listen. This may be difficult! Our first instinct is often to want to do something…to take control of the situation. It is more helpful to actively listen, and allow the person who is sharing to take control – they will tell you what they want as they become aware of their needs. For someone who is struggling with self-harm, and the feelings of guilt and shame which very often accompany it, even prayer can feel threatening. They may feel too unworthy to even approach God, and in such a situation patience and sensitivity is needed…

The Power of Prayer

…but that does not mean that prayer does not play an important part in supporting someone through self-harm. It is essential that you, as the helper, regularly take your concerns to God, pray before you meet with the person you are trying to help, inviting the Holy Spirit into the situation, and pray after, asking God to:

a) Reveal to you anything you can do that may help further, and

b) Enable you to ‘offload’, and deal with any feelings you are left with.

If someone is initially reluctant to either allow you to pray with them, or to pray themselves, don’t completely let go of the idea…try again later, when trust has been established and some progress has been made…and hold the person you are trying to help in your prayers – lift them up to God on a daily basis, praying that His healing will take place.

Further Help

…is often necessary for you and the person who self-harms. There is nothing admirable in struggling to help someone if you feel out of your depth, or you are aware that what you are offering is not enough, in fact, it is more helpful and courageous to admit that you have reached the end of your resources. On the back cover of this booklet is a list of professional agencies and organisations which may help both you and the person who is looking to you for support.

A Religious Perspective

Self-harm can be linked historically, with the self-mortification practised by Saints of the Christian Church. Many testimonies refer to extreme forms of penance practised by many Saints in order that they may draw closer to God, and to intercede for the souls of the un-saved. As Christians in the 21st Century, we recognise that such acts are obviously Biblically un-sound, and not in-keeping with the Gospel of Love and Grace…Salvation is a gift from God, our relationship with Him not something we can improve or increase by hurting our physical bodies. Research into the self-mortification of the Saints suggests that many of the issues surrounding present day self-harm played a relevant part in the lives of the Saints – issues such as powerlessness (particularly with reference to women in the Church) and self-loathing, often confused with God’s requirement of us to be humble. Unfortunately, this point of view still exists today in certain areas of the Church, as can be seen from the extract below, and can unfortunately appeal to someone who may be pre-disposed to self-harm.

‘It (self-mortification) is practiced likewise as an expiation for past sins and shortcomings, for it is the belief of the Catholic Church, that, although only the Atonement of Christ can offer adequate expiation for the sins of men, men ought not to make that an excuse for doing nothing themselves, but should rather take it as an incentive to add their own expiations to the extent of their power, and should regard such personal expiations as very pleasing to God.’

It is important that the idea of God being pleased with suffering, particularly any form of self-inflicted suffering, is gently challenged, and the message of God’s love for us as a caring, compassionate, Father/Mother/Friend is introduced in its place. Being aware of our value and worth to God ‘just as we are’, is of vital importance in helping someone who self-harms to heal…that He wants us to change more and more into His image can only be accepted by someone who has a healthy self-image in God.

Helpful Organisations

Ÿ British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy 1 Regent Place, Rugby, CV21 2PJ 01788 578 328 www.bacp.co.uk

Ÿ Association of Christian Counsellors 29 Momus Boulevard, Coventry, CV2 5NA 0845 124 9569/0845 124 9570 www.acc-uk.org

Ÿ Bristol Crisis Service for Women PO Box 654, Bristol, BS99 1HX Help-line: 0117 925 1119 (Friday/Saturday 9pm – 12:30am, Sunday 6pm – 9pm) www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW

Ÿ National Self-Harm Network PO Box 16190, London, NW1 3WW www.nshn.co.uk (Helpful Message Forum) This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ÿ Self-Harm Alliance PO Box 62, Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, GL51 8YB Help-line: 01242 578822 (Wed – Sun, 7pm – 8pm) www.selfharmalliance.org This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Bibliography

Helen Spandler, Who’s Hurting Who, 42nd Street, 1996.

Diane Harrison, Mind.

The Catholic Encyclopedia, Volume X Copyright © 1911 by Robert Appleton Company Online Edition Copyright © 1999 by Kevin Knight

Cath