What was your first impression?
I was looking forward to reading this book, because it's been talked and
written about so much. The back cover reads "Once upon a time
Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together
because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came
to Earth and amnesia set in; they forgot they were from different planets".
This captured my curiosity. I was keen to start reading.
What's it about?
The basic idea is expressed in the metaphor above. Men and women are
very different in the way they approach life and relationships. When relationships
fail to work well, it is because we have forgotten these differences and expect
our partners to react in the same way that we would. We misinterpret their
responses to us, draw the wrong conclusions and strife results. The book
describes these differences, showing each sex how they can better understand
the other, and offering practical suggestions for better communication. The
book does admit that it is dealing with men and women in very generalised forms,
and that not everyone will fit what it says.
What did you like about it?
Many parts of the book had me nodding in recognition. John Gray's descriptions
of typical communication breakdowns are often very accurate, at least in my
own marriage. I wanted to underline bits of it, and leave it around for
my husband to find. For example, when women are upset, they often just want
their partner to listen to them, and make them feel understood - whereas a man's
first instinct is to identify the cause of the problem and find a solution to
it. If he can't solve it, he feels that he is failing. The parts of the
book that described the metaphorical adventures of the inhabitants of Mars and
Venus, as they encountered each other, were very entertaining and well done.
I liked the emphasis that strains in a marriage were not "His Problem"
or "Her Problem", but "Their Problem", which both need to
work to resolve. John Gray takes sources of stress and strain in a relationship,
which many people would see as signs of ill-health, and shows how they can be
turned around, and made into something positive. His basic idea is that
no relationship is beyond help, if the partners are only willing to work at
understanding each other. In our current climate of temporary relationships
and serial monogamy, this was very refreshing to read, coming from a secular
and influential source.
What didn't you like?
The book was too long. I learnt a lot from the first half, and then trudged
my way to the end without much extra gain. Loving Christian that I am, I often
wanted to slap Gray and his wife for the smug and mundane anecdotes of how their
marriage has improved as a result of applying his theories.
John Gray is very
sound on the basics of relationships in the here and now, but when he left this
topic he was inclined to make sweeping, and annoying generalisations, which
don't actually add much to his case. In one place he argues that
most of the previous generation knew nothing about true "loving communication",
so we all grew up with rubbish role models. This rather annoyed me, on
behalf of my parents' generation. Interestingly, in among all these generalisations,
Gray never speculates as to why men and women are so different in the first
place - an unexpected
omission.
Some of the book seems to advocate quite a manipulative approach to relationships,
which I didn't feel comfortable with, with headings such as "Programming
your man to say "Yes"." (Despite my misgivings, I did read
that section particularly carefully, though!)
What will you still remember a year from now?
I will try not to judge my husband by my own standards. We all have
a tendency to expect other people to react in the same way that we would, but
this can lead us to misunderstand why they act the way they do.
Who would you recommend this book to?
I'm not sure I'd recommend anyone to actually buy it. Borrow it from
a friend, and skim read it, instead. This book was revolutionary when
it first came out, and I can see why. Nowadays, 10 years on, you'll have
picked up the gist of the ideas in it already, because of the way it has seeped
into popular culture.
Can you give us a couple of good quotes from the book?
On Venus, their motto is "Love is never having to ask" Because
this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will
offer his support and she won't have to ask (...) But he is waiting for her
to start asking for support if she wants it. If she is not asking for
support, he assumes he is giving enough"
Coping with Stress on Mars and Venus - A Venusian feels good about herself when she
has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian
feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These
secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.
review by Claire
Buy this book now!
|
